A Few Words to Perez

... or inspired by my rage for him, whichever seems most applicable to our readers.

The first, and major point, is that the internet is not a breeding ground for Dante's eighth ring of hell without people like you. You are not the first source; I've easily figured out that you get everything from TMZ - who, by the by, are considerably less biased towards reporting than you are. This recent starlet's demise has served as what for you? A place to sound like you have a soul?

You're an overzealous bastard, sir. Leave the girl and her family alone. You only pick what you want to report on from your source, and then spin it your own way for your own purposes - you're already pointing fingers at suspects, are you a police officer? I didn't think so. No one needs your opinion of what her mother must have been thinking/feeling at the time. You're not special. You're just a media outlet with a brand.

Second, and this frustrates me to no end - it's very evident who you do, and do not, like within the field that you report in. I can understand that. There is always bias to reporting, but as someone with such a following, you must try to at least curb your own stupid agendas from time to time.

If I have to list it all out, I will - but not here. Let me just say this; I think the Twilight films are absolute garbage (metaphor for the virtues of chastity my ASS) but I'm sure Kristen Stewart's demeanor wasn't helped any by your malicious behaviour. How is anyone supposed to be happy with themselves in such a vile industry when there are hatemongers like yourself in existence? Please don't tell me I'm correct in assuming that all the name-calling and insults are directly derived from your own Twi-hard fangirl crush on Robert Pattinson, because that's truly disgusting.

You're a 30-something Cuban man with a penchant for Manic Panic. If that tactic works for you, and Rpatz takes you out for a nice steak dinner and then calls you back later, you let me know. It sure as hell doesn't seem like it works for the people it's best suited for (females of the age to attend junior high, specifically) so I wonder about your own motives with it. But hey. If trashing the shit out of the girl that everyone is sure he's with actually gets you a date, I'll buy that and ask to try myself. Because then I'll have seen everything. Leave the lunchroom behaviour where it belongs - at least 16 years ago in your case.

You could ask why I don't just stop reading the site.

... but really, where else would I find such crudely defaced photos of stars you don't like?

Honestly, reading your poor excuse for a gossip blog has actually made me LIKE Miley Cyrus and Kristen Stewart... has made me like Gaga less, because you two are each other's pets... and I remain staunchly opposed to Lily Allen. You can have her.

It's also made me actually loathe and DETEST Adam Lambert, whereas when he was simply competing on AI, I just thought he was terribly cheesy and not a very good singer. But you blow up the things that you feel MUST be blown up about, in such a bravado way, that I can no longer even stomach photos of the Glambert, as you call him.

I've got a place for you, Perez Hilton.

When Snoop Dogg has finished lopping off Kanye's head in the FKO ring, you're going up against that which you seem to despise the most. You're going up against Kristen Stewart, because I somehow have a feeling she can kick your ass.

That's all I have to say about that. As you were.



"Well, sure... punks need love too. But, only punk-love."
"That's like, the filthiest kind."

(... and in response to "420 Dating"...)

"Honey, there's a dating website dedicated purely to stoners - 420 Dating."
"Don't you dare go to it. I will know."


Wil Wheaton, Discuss

miss vee says:
oh, that's a common defence
it's either innocent or purposeful but entirely useless in either sense.
if she was crazy, then she's telling you that because she thinks it has some bearing on how the rest of your life is going to play out.
mr. tim says:
miss vee says:
if she was one of those sweet naive things it may have actualy been a rare case of guilt
mr. tim says:
"look at how good im doing now, is there an inkling of wanting me back?" syndrome
miss vee says:
wherein she thinks telling you and you not caring will make her feel better about the breakup. but yes, she sounded crazy - so that's just crazy talk for "HAR HAR I AM SHLUT I PROLLY DON'T KNOW HIS MIDDLE NAME OR NOTHING"
mr. tim says:
miss vee says:
and then your camp is all like
"bitch stfu. you were cut from the cast. if you keep appearing on set, you will be arrested."
mr. tim says:
miss vee says:
well, i have always viewed my life as the v show
and thereby, all other people are simply cast as characters in the world that is your life.
mr. tim says:
"excuse me, but the producer wants to have a word." response - " :O "
miss vee says:
and nobody remembers the redshirts.
mr. tim says:
lol im actually wearing a red plaid shirt at the moment
miss vee says:
well, yes, but you're no ensign tim. i'm sure you won't be eaten by space monsters or shot by some drakoriannn overlord anytime soon while on mission. if that's how you're supposed to end, sir, i am flabbergasted.
mr. tim says:
clearly im a geordi la forge. eyesight fixed and all.
miss vee says:
you're skipping generations man.
can't do that.
continuity errors, different writers, different pop cultural eras.
different propagandic agendas.
different presidents, basically.
mr. tim says:
clearly, but be that as it may... that was MY show during my impressionable years
miss vee says:
stay within the presidents.
technically it was my generation too
but i really had no use for that kind of thing at the age i was. my sister was, and look what the fuck happened to her.
mr. tim says:
Sargaziaan Blood Flu im guesssing
miss vee says:
yes, sounds like a job for leeches
which she can't handle because she was also of the stand by me generation.
fuck you, wil wheaton. you fucked up my sister's life.
mr. tim says:
lol that totally cracks me up
"Fuck you, Wil Wheaton."
dont be such an Ensign.


Fatties and Skinnies

taken from queen mario.

I don't really have many actual, non-offensive words for this.

Except that Barbara Walters has the cajones of a cagefighter.

Don't fuck with butter or Paula Deen, lady.

I don't care how many celebrities you've made cry, or how many bionic implants you have keeping you alive and looking as much (much opposite to say, Joan Rivers.)

Butter is love and you are ruining everything.

I'm not even going to explain myself any further. I'm really not.

I just wanna see Walters and Deen in a butter-wrestling match now.


Corporate Responsibility

I would notsay that social importance is just as important as economic performance, but it is an important factor. We are not something separate - just a body of people founded by some shareholders, operated in their behalf. We are part of the structure of thetown we work in andthe lives of the people we employ and of the country we live in and I think it is ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

- Sir Anthony Pilkington, Chairman, the Pilkington Group (quoted in Bloom, 1994)



Ms. V: I had this one client at the salon once, huge brick shithouse of a shaggy man with a full beard. He came in looking like a country preacher and left looking like a cop, with a high-and-tight and a clean shave. I told him while cutting his hair that I liked David Bowie, and he asked me if it was because he was a homosexual.

Mr. Tim: Alright...

Ms. V: I have some questions about this scenario. Firstly, was he a preacher or a cop?


Restaurant City vs. Aces High; or, waiting for the Bell Tech

"Ewww, the toilets are dirty again!"
"Yes, the afterburners are working quite nicely!"

... gamer love.


Things I Have Learned From Other Drivers

Blinkers? Don't need em.
Merge into traffic at whatever speed you feel like.
Construction closures are no reason to drive slower, or more courteously.

Let me tell you a story about a pickup truck I had the pleasure of sharing the road with this afternoon. This truck did the following while I was watching it:
Cut off a number of drivers while navigating the world's smallest basket-weave onramp.
Proceed to speed and dodge your way down the express lanes, in light Sunday afternoon traffic mid-city, and nearly missing the ramp to the highway you needed to be on, only missing the ramp's leading edge by half a meter after swerving across 2.5 lanes of traffic, narrowly missng 4 cars.
Cut across two lanes of traffic to the left because the lane he was in ends, only to swerve back across traffic to get to your exit 2km away. Without signaling.
Change lanes through an intersection at the top of a very steep hill doing 90 in a 60.
Drift between lanes at your own whimsy on city streets.

People, learn to drive.


In Regards to the Superintendant

I'll firstly tell you that it is unfortunate that we put this project together so late in my time in this building. I have spent five years here, with many undocumented adventures to behold, but this is not the venue for them at large.

But to put it plainly, where I once detested my 7 other neighboring tenants in this old brick shithole I live in, after all this time I have come to love them most dearly for their entertainment purposes.

Exhibit A; my superintendant, who has not aged a day since I met her, but clearly aged for many centuries prior to my moving in here in 2004.

Now I'm sure this little tidbit will make all that much more sense:

"Why don't you go ask Yvonne? I'm sure she's smoking the real good shit over there."
"Honey, when Yvonne was our age, opium was the hot ticket for intoxication."
"So you're telling me she's over there smoking the really good shit?"
"Yes, while splayed out on her floral sofa with its plastic covering, surrounded by all those Royal Doultons and other knicknacks, she likely has it set up as an opium den."


"How can a woman that old not appreciate WWII big band swing music?"
"It was noise to her. That's what the whippersnappers who peed in her begonias were listening to at the time."


Sunday Afternoon in the Company of Warriors 2

"That's where the rich people sit... doctors, lawyers, politicians..."
"... Pimps, kingpins, mobsters... these are the people I view as successful."

Each of us is, after all, a very different kind of warrior than our peers.

(Injoke to Mr. Collins: one Evershine for Zirc, Beraka, and Okden getting hammered around a campfire.)



"You can't spell for crap! I've seen alphabet soup poured from a blender do less damage to the English language than you!"

Best Book-on-Tape Ever

Ultimately, this lineup in a book-on-tape format would be the best way to get me more familiarized with the Bible.

We'll be updating this constantly with new additions.

Old Testament

Genesis - as read by Morgan Freeman

Exodus - as read by Patrick Stewart

Leviticus - as read by Mona Marshall (as Sheila Broflovski)

Numbers - as read by Judd Hirsch





1 Samuel

2 Samuel

1 Kings

2 Kings

1 Chronicles

2 Chronicles




Job - as read by Sean Connery

Psalms - as read by Sir. John Cleese

Proverbs - as read by Ben Kingsley

Ecclesiastes (Qoheleth)

Canticles (Song of Solomon) - as read by Phyllis Diller



Lamentations - as read by Woody Allen

Ezekiel - as read by Samuel L. Jackson














New Testament
Matthew - as read by Kanye West




Acts - as read by Jay Ingram (Daily Planet)


1 Corinthians - as read by Jeremy Piven

2 Corinthians - as read by Giovanni Ribisi





1 Thessalonians

2 Thessalonians

1 Timothy - as read by Mandy Moore

2 Timothy - as read by Natalie Portman

Titus - as read by Serj Tankian (System of a Down)




1 Peter

2 Peter

1 John

2 John - as read by Adam West

3 John


Revelation - as read by James Earl Jones


Long-term Agenda

From time to time I'll post something on the agenda for pondering; whether the public likes it or not, I'll probably attempt it at some point, given the proper resources and safety precautions.

I don't want to get killed doing any of this ridiculous shit. I don't particularly wish to get arrested, although in this one instance what I'm suggesting I'd like to do is purposefully crafted to attract the attention of local law enforcement.

For the most part I really just want to make people stop what they're doing and watch for a moment or two. Like freezing time if you will. For the sake of funny. It's always for the sake of funny.

So my first order of business for the "Agenda", as it from here on out shall be known, is as follows:

Mission: Skip Across Vatican Square
Required items: Full-tilt Russian ballerina costume
Required skills: Speed and endurance (Currently inadequate)
Intended results: Startle the Swiss Guard
Details: If I make it across the square and successfully evade the Swiss Guard, I win. If I get arrested, Mr. V has to be photographed smoking a bong in his getaway-driver tuxedo with my be-tutu'd ass being hauled away in the background.
Connecting topics: Ms. V and Ms. J inject Rocky into every-day power workouts (necessary endurance training, chock full of insanity and hearty food)

Next topic: High tea with David Bowie, John Cleese, and Peter Gabriel.


Sunday Afternoon in the Company of Warriors

"You need a priest, man. You get to wear dresses with priests. It's fucking awesome."

There are a few things that I immediately discerned from this statement, prior to making Mr. V repeat it - just for documentation purposes, of course, to ensure that I heard him correctly the first time. Clearly I was a little taken aback by the statement, as Mr. V has not ever been one to condone his own cross-dressing. Not that there's anything wrong with it for anyone else. Not that he wouldn't look pretty nice in some of my dresses. This is not the point.

The point was, for once in a very long time, I was truly, amusingly, startled by something said in my own home. (If these walls could talk, they'd sound insane; we're used to this office being full of weird)

This is what I concluded immediately:

Firstly, that Rasputin was secretly an undead priest. Of this variety:

Then, finally, and probably via the most ridiculous mental word-association game ever documented, I decided that an undead priest would be the Horde choice for this man, were it available to him at the time:

I don't know what else to say, except that perpetually rainy Sunday afternoons are highly unproductive and mentally erratic.

Also, Mr. Collins should have plenty of reading material for now.


I want to believe that the term "Ridiculext" is pretty self-explanatory.

Mr. Collins and I both have a pretty bad habit of sending very cryptic, or just downright strange, text messages - often seemingly without all necessary pieces of information.

On other occasions, we simply text each other when we have an epiphany of some sort; a good example was a week ago while Mr. V and I were staying at the inlaws for the weekend. At 11:30, while in bed, the entire black room lit up with my cellphone's screen.

Just to inform me that via massive religious realization, I should refer to Mr. Collins simply as "The Wholly C." Hey, I agree - I agree completely. I know of no other man in existence who could lend himself to that name and pull it off. Point was, I wasn't even entirely phased by the action of the late night text message with no purpose.

It is, quite simply, how we do.

So for your first Ridiculext pleasure, I present you with something I recently sent to one of my oldest best friends, who is several hundred miles/kilometres detached from me and hasn't seen me in many years:

"I cut off all my hair and dyed it black in homage to my lonely 16yo self, but the glamorous bitch who took over at 19 styles it so well that everyone likes it, and I succeed at failing everything I attempt, including rebelling in misery."

Ridiculexts from here on out will simply be the body of the message, with little to no explanation. Enjoy!

Inter-Office Memo; CC: Mr. Collins

Mr. Collins;

While I understand that I am in fact the CEO and typesetter of the department and thereby the umbrella company of SR Productions, I must ask one favour of you.

As we are aware, there is a large file marked "Learn to Drive" sitting in a filing cabinet here that I believe I am incapable of filling out and processing for you. I was never properly taught to drive, only how to survive on a roadway filled with asshats and crazy vigilante pedestrians, so I feel I am inadequate with spearheading this particular project.

Please have an outline on my desk as soon as possible.

We're both aware that you can drive very well and I can simply avoid being caught while breaking laws of the highway and city roads, so perhaps it would be most prudent that you attempt to teach the masses how to drive properly.

I am only capable of telling them how to evade detection while driving like an arrogant ass.

Thank you! Look forward to next board meeting at headquarters.

- Ms. V

The Priscilla Syndrome; the $10 List

Part of the original $10 list includes Hugo Weaving and Guy Pearce, for some very specific reasons.

Obviously moviephiles can argue that both men (and, without a doubt, Terence Stamp, who played Bernadette/Ralph) deserve great praise for their list of fantastic films. I don't disagree. They're all great actors, but there's an actual reason I must find these two and pay them their $10 tribute.

It's that Hugo and Guy have taken such
epic roles since Priscilla that most of our young generation today isn't even aware of their jaunts into the great art of transvestite acting. (By great, I mean the very personality alone necessary to pull off such flamboyance.)

It's that no matter what amazing role I see either of them in (V, Elrond, Agent Smith, Leonard Shelby, etc) I cannot keep a straight face throughout the film despite their good acting skills.

Because it always comes back to Felicia and Mitzi for me. Always.

To make this entirely appropriate, I can sum this up with a great gem from another of Hugo's great movies, V for Vendetta.

"Are you like, a crazy person?"
"My dear, I am quite sure they will say so."


Tuesday Morning Server Maintenance with Mr. V

Ms. V is surfing Twitter; Mr. V is rocking out to some Metallica (aka FRANTIC, INC).

Ms. V:
I want my own suit of armour.

Mr. V: Why?!
Ms. V: Because I think it's cool, alright?!
Mr. V: Well, so do I, okay?!
Ms. V: Fine!
Mr. V: FINE!


Just another morning at the office...

Mr. C: Are jeans too casual for an interview at the [local cellphone provider] kiosk?
Ms. V: As long as they're clean and unripped. And making an otherwise appropriately clean looking appearance. I'd suggest you go as the private investigator* though. That's a good look.
Mr. C: With the tie and striped pants?
Ms. V: Anyway, I meant to say, no, jeans are now a more acceptable look, being that current trends make their cuts more appropriate to a wide variety of workplaces. Yes. Tuck in the shirt, though.
Mr. C: Yes yes.
Ms. V: Or, everyone's favourite English teacher.*

*Mr. C has a somewhat useful habit of naming his outfit ensembles in such a way that I can easily categorize them mentally. It also makes speaking in code a somewhat entertaining endeavour, and lends itself to my plot to dominate the world via the crumbling English language.

Patrick Bateman lives on, in a pregnant 24 year old hairstylist.


The Hollywood Judgement

The celebrity death list tolls.

This month alone has taken a number of names.

Now, when they're all gone, do you suppose we can all go on living normal lives?

Perhaps. The false idols are falling. God is seriously pissed off.

I'm not even a believer, and I can tell God's righteously annoyed.


Props from the RDT: James Remar and James Barber

James Barber, because the Urban Peasant was seriously my very first introduction to cooking. It very much influenced what kind of a pothead I turned out to be as well, though trying to explain that theory before 8am on a blustery Tuesday is far beyond my scope.

It also taught me how to keep my clothes clean and unfrozen on a clothes line in the middle of a heavy urban setting when I first moved out of my parents' place at 19 and had never used a laundromat before in my life - nor had I one within walking distance in January. Yeah. I miss the Urban Peasant. I wish it was syndicated and played regularly via re-run.

Someone get on that.

... and James Remar, purely for the fact that I own and have probably dearly loved most of his repertoire within the IMDB. Fans of James Remar have to know exactly who he is, in similar fashion to the big scary fat guy from Lost. Rent these fine films today in order to catch Mr. Remar in his finest acting roles:

The Warriors (1979) as Ajax; an excellent full speaking part! With much use of now obscene words!
Mortal Kombat II, as Raden (Yes, THAT was the guy who replaced The Highlander)
The Girl Next Door, as Hugo Posh
2 Fast 2 Furious, as the SWAT team leader
Pineapple Express, as the scary anti-pot military man

That is all for Tuesday my friends.


Just run with me on this one.

I can create my own nouveau religion via Snoop Dogg.

I don't know what to call it yet. It's heavily plagiarized Judaism with guns and ho's.

... and Kanye is the anti-christ.

Is it fair to say that anyone who believes that Kanye, when pitted against Snoop in a death ring with some type of weaponry (why do I want to believe so firmly that Snoop is secretly more than proficient in the exquisite art of the samurai sword?) banning firearms, would win, is (not-so)secretly a devil-worshipper?

I think it is.

If the Devil wears Prada after all, he must therefore probably also have a sick fetish for Louis Vuitton.


From the Answering Machine

I personally believe that a really off-the-wall voicemail can brighten up anyone's day.

I also don't like leaving anything but pertinent information in my voicemails, cryptically, in case anyone is listening while I'm outside or something. Example:

"Jamie. Six-twelve pee-emm, Sunday. Call my ass back or yours is grass."

(This is my bridesmaid - I promise, this is really endearment between us.)

But what about when you've really got absolutely nothing to say and you don't want to be boring?


Well, as of this afternoon I discovered a niche of entertainment via voicemails I had previously not tapped. Granted, the message I left Mr. Collins wasn't exactly brilliant or engaging, but it did get my point across:

Mr. V played the Jaws theme on an acoustic guitar, and I screamed like in a cheesy horror film.

Now, maybe I'm just a chronic stoner, but can ANYONE tell me there aren't infinite possibilities for entertainment with this kind of behaviour?

Bearing in mind, whenever my mother calls my cell phone, and this has been true for years, I replace "hello?" (as is customary in modern times) with, "Is this Maryanne with the pot?"

(It took her a few years to get the joke, but sometimes she'll even giggle now and suggest I have a "doobie". Do you see why training people is comedy gold now? I<3UMUMMY!!!)

I figure, the more I do this via voicemail and train people to expect it, the easier it will be to seamlessly transition the modern English language into an indecipherable slew of injokes and popular culture references. I'm taking over the world, one cryptic and non-eavesdroppable call at a time.

*ring ring*
"I lost."
"Fuck you!"
"What have you done this time, Monkey Man?"
"Any plans?"
"No, you'll be here in 28 minutes."
"You're right."
"See you. Bring Coke and chocolate."

Doesn't make a lick of sense, does it? Perfect. WE get it. You can do it too, follow us.


Completely A-Twitter

Someone needs to get me some further information on what happened to Mr. Hilton at the MMVA weekend.

I somehow am hardpressed to believe that Will.I.Am randomly picked Perez for a beatdown without some kind of provocation...

Because really, in this day in age, is there seriously an entertainer in the business who would actually have the sheer stupidity/gonads to take on the world's most infamous gay man? I mean, aside from anyone still living who was popular in the 40's. Jerry Lewis, I'm lookin' at you.

But Will.I.Am? I can't see it.

Whatever happened - take your petty shit home with you. There are so many other worse things to busy the MTPD, we don't need this kind of fuckery on top of it.


Props from the Ridiculous Department Team: Jamie Oliver

We here at the department have a list of people we want to congratulate for their hard work. It could be due to fantastic acting, charitable donations, or causes... or it could just be because we think that they're awesome. Whatever the case, props will always be given to those people who need them.

But since we have so many props to give, we think it would be better to dedicate each post to one particular person.

We'll all give our own props to different people we appreciate, and we all have different opinions here at the department, so your reading material will be varied.

My props today go to Jamie Oliver, for his School Dinners program.

He may have too fancy a chef training for most school lunch ladies in Great Britain, and he may have some high hopes, but he has a really good goddamn idea and he just wants to see the whole of his home country eat healthier. There is NO other agenda for him but to get the children of the future eating better foods, and learning more about what they're eating.

I give Mr. Oliver all my props for this show, and his war against the junk food we serve our kids today - because it obviously is very dear to his heart. Anyone who will sit on international television almost in tears over the idea of children being disgusted by fruit is a very brave individual.

I don't know how he puts up with any of those people, quite frankly. I don't know how he stood there without emotion as an 8 year old British boy spat out a fresh strawberry and called it disgusting. What I do know is, it's a fantastic idea, and it's backed by Ryan Seacrest - so it clearly must have some good documentation to go with it.

We all pick our wars, and we all fight them differently - but this is one that I will wholly support as it currently is. Someday I would really love to have a private cooking lesson with this man. Maybe he can teach me how to properly use artichoke hearts, maybe we can just discuss better ways to keep my future children from demanding McDonald's. Whatever the case, someone needs to just go up and hug him for all the bullshit he puts up with on that show.

A woman (a mother of two) in a British grocery store, talking about fucking BASIL of all things:

"Well, this must just be for decoration."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's just leaves... surely you can't eat that."

Will someone PLEASE fucking hug this man for me? Tell him I sent you. Thanks so much.


Irregular Public Service Announcements: Perez Hilton

Irregular public service announcements (IPSAs) are irregular due to the fact that I will only ever post them when something comes up that I absolutely have to say, right there at that very moment, because I'm caught up in the heat of my own emotions at the situation.

Generally IPSAs are going to apply to whatever I've been reading on the regular newswire that day; i.e. the gossip rags (I find TMZ.com the very best for up to the second updates) and how they're reacting to certain issues and the like.

I can almost guarantee that a number of these IPSAs are going to relate directly to Perez Hilton.

Let me give you a little background on my opinions of Mr. Hilton (or Lavandeira, for the purists). I've always been predisposed to enjoy gossip rags at the grocery store; I cannot explain my need for information about everyday comings and goings of celebrities. I discovered this whole pop culture news blogging phenomena a few years ago - roughly right about the time that Mario Lavandeira was revisioning PageSixSixSix.com into its current form; PerezHilton.com.

I loved it, because it seemed to be fresh information for which I had no original source. Always entertaining, always opinionated; always interesting, and with a very liberal-minded swing towards the world (surely due to Perez's entrenchment in a niche lifestyle demographic). Also, it was chock full of cool photos that I usually didn't have my own access to.

It's been quite a while now, and Perez has certainly built himself an empire from which to crash quite spectacularly. Not that I am suggesting this is what will happen, or what should happen - I just think it's somewhat inevitable at this rate. What goes up must come down, and the higher we climb, the harder we fall. I obviously applaud Perez on his ability to network, to charm, to sway the masses; he has a lot of clout, and a lot of charisma.

But so did Hitler. If you ask a Nazi; even if you asked an unsuspecting German citizen at the time, they would tell you that Der Fuhrer was very charismatic and had a seemingly good platform on which to dictate. It's all in the presentation, folks. What it all boils down to is world domination.

That's what it all boils down to for almost anyone in the entertainment industry, and don't even try to tell me otherwise. It's all world domination in the form of networking, socializing, awards, and ratings. I dare you to prove me wrong - and I dare you to do so without referencing Angelina Jolie, as she's still about world domination, but in a charitable sense. It all comes down to having the finances available to do whatever the fuck you want.

... or, in Perez's case, the network and celebrity backing necessary to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which includes posting some pretty offensive opinions, all in the name of fighting for his own causes.

My point here? Perez, you are full of yourself these days. I support your war against Proposition 8. I support your efforts to celebrate and fight for the gay and lesbian community.


But I am not American, and I have no right to vote or fight for American rights - nor do I really have any interest or desire to do so. That is left for you American folks to decide. Instead, I offer this humble opinion.

I think Perez has puffed himself up so high, to be such a crusader for gay rights, that he has forgotten his own humble roots. Do you remember PageSixSixSix.com, Mario? Do you remember what your original intention always was? I would love to know.

Your public service announcement for today comes in a few parts and is directed both at Perez, and anyone else that rabidly follows him with all blinders up.

1.) Please do not ever again suggest that ALL heterosexual pregnancies are unwanted. I know that gay people deserve to be parents just as much as anyone else of any other lifestyle, but it does NOT give you the right to suggest that gay people deserve to be parents MORE than heterosexuals because "those children are actually WANTED". I'm pregnant, buddy, and we want it. Maybe I'm just one person, but for every ONE person pissed off, there's usually a few who agree but weren't aware of the situation. JUST SAYIN', K? THANKS.

2.) On the topic of Adam Lambert, and his supposed "crush on you" - may I offer some advice? Neither of you has a crush on the other one. He suggested that YOU did, because all you ever do is rant and rave about how awesome it is to be a gay American Idol contestant. DEFLATE YOUR HEAD - this whole scenario makes me about as disgusted as listening to middle school students discuss the same general idea. I have a whole LIST of suggestions for Mr. Lambert himself on the topic of moderation and less excess is more, but we'll get into that on another day. This post is for Perez today.

There is a big difference between being proud of who you are, and being an overzealous crusader for your cause. If you keep on down this road, you are going to be no better than Carrie Prejean and her war against gay marriages. Remember the high road.

Doris Mantooth is a Saint!

Vince Vaughn... Mr. C, explain?

Original $10 List

A note from Ms. V:

Let me explain this a little further before we continue and make this an ongoing segment within our topics.

When Mission Impossible 3 came out, I refused to go see it in theatres on the grounds that I will not support Tom Cruise or his crackpottery. Now, my father is a big fan of the Mission Impossible franchise (and really, any kind of film where there are fast cars and things inevitably blow up in glorious fashion) and while I am staunchly opposed to Tom Cruise, I am also staunchly opposed to upsetting my Daddy.

So he took me to see it in theatres, and paid my admission, which was just under $10 at the time. (These movies these days... DISGUSTING price for a film ticket, may I add.) While watching the film, I appreciated it for its blow-dem-up nature and the rest of its cast. I cannot stand Keri Russell any more than I can Tom Cruise, so I was displeased with her, but - lo and behold, the rest of the cast was utterly fantastic. I love Phillip Seymour Hoffmann and Billy Crudup, and well, Johnathan Rhys-Myers is just a lovely lad to look at and listen to when speaking.

I decided then and there that someday I wanted to congratulate these men on making a fantastic movie despite the hinderances Tom Cruise brings with him.

I proposed the idea to Mr. Collins, that someday we should hand $10 to each of the actors whom we felt deserved the admission price we would otherwise not have paid to see their film. Somehow or another, despite being bad movies or not to our tastes, there are actors who are utterly GREAT in otherwise dreary and miserable movies.

Problem is, this list has been growing for several years now and shows no signs of slowing down. So this was our original $10 list, and in future you will see small snippet posts where we have come up with a number of new entrants to the list. New entrants don't always necessarily have a bad film to their name - we just really think that we want to hand them a tenner and thank them for their services to the film industry.

Someday, I seriously wanna storm the Oscars with this list, all for the sake of entertainment television.

I might go so far as to say I would jump across rooftops and swing like a monkey from fire escapes in order to hand Phillip Seymour Hoffmann or Johnny Depp their $10 bills.

All for a laugh, right?

Robert Downey Jr.

Philip Seymour Hoffman
Billy Crudup
Peter Saarsgard
Ving Rhames
Joaquin Phoenix
Johnathan Rhys-Myers
John Rhys Davies
Megan Fox (for putting up with Shia LeBoeuf in Transformers, and also for being a pothead who believes she looks like a transvestite Alan Alda)
Alex Winters
Christopher Walken
Luke Wilson (for The Royal Tenenbaums)
Bruce Campbell
Simon Pegg
Nick Frost
Meryl Streep
James Remar
Ellen Page
Liv Tyler
Milla Jovovich
Audrey Tautou
Dame Maggie Smith



In our very first edition of WWKD? (What Would Kanye Do?) I have this small gem to offer to the table:

When given the opportunity to design a sneaker with a swanky designer line, WWKD?

Clearly, Kanye would fashion himself a pair of futuristic Nikes, last seen on Marty McFly - then slap the Louis Vuitton logo on it so only the raunchiest of dumb celebrities can own them.

Flip your pants pockets out. Kids in the future wear their clothes inside out."
Cool! Power laces!"

Upcoming Topics

I'm using this mostly as a placeholder, but this is a sample of the menu to come up.

I actually have quite a list elsewhere (carefully trapper-kept within a swanky moleskine) but I suppose we should start with a small agenda.

*Nadya Sulemon, Kate Gosselin, and other baby-eaters
*Terrible drivers and their undying need to overtake the roads
*I hate Clay Aiken so much.
*Ryan Seacrest teaching Philosophy 101
*Why paparazzi should never be allowed to sue for injuries

Any suggestions??


Introduction to the Department

We'll begin this by explaining, obviously, what exactly the department does, and stands for.

I am Ms. V; chairwoman of operations here. Also on this team we have Mr. Collins, whom we view as an independent contractor of sorts. He comes and goes as he pleases, but often has more useful information and insight to provide than I do. From time to time you may notice a male counterpart to my Ms. V; he's also on an independent contractor basis. It's most likely that I will be doing 75% of these posts, with Mr. Collins and Mr. V sharing the remaining 25%.

The ridiculous department, in its infancy, is the very basis of all things that society today finds entertaining. This includes, but is most certainly not limited to; politics, current news coverage, popular icons and their associated variety of pop culture. Anything that, when told to myself or Mr. Collins, renders us speechless or simply cannot be fathomed due to the sheer stupidity of its nature, is sent directly to the ridiculous department for processing, handling, and analytics.

We're just trying to understand what the fuck is wrong with the world today, but we're not interested in tackling the issues that everyone else is. There are already so many people involved in serious issues - celebrities fueling money into third-world rescue efforts (go Angelina!), politicians and hostile war, and Perez Hilton single-handedly thrusting the gay community at the world (not that there's anything wrong with that). We're not here to add to agendas you've already discussed.

Our approach is a little more homegrown.

Money isn't the root of all evil. Stupidity is.

Our philosophy here is that to save the world, we need to weed out stupidity. In order to do this, it's first necessary to inform the public of what we view as stupid or ignorant (I know, because you should all care what we think, right? Well, you all care what Perez thinks... we all start somewhere.) and then discuss ways in which we can all delight in the lesson we learn from resolving the issue.

... because nobody likes to learn lessons without being entertained. I will get into the topic of why celebrities should volunteer their time at educational institutes to teach difficult but important classes later - it stems from this theory.

The point is, we're going to try to make you laugh with material we're given by everyone else. Then, we're going to try to make you laugh with our take on how to fix the stupid situation. Eventually, we kind of want to take this plot on the road and film it. So you'll help us, right? Everybody just wants a good laugh these days. We're gonna try to deliver. You can tell us when we win, and when we fail.

In the end, we're all gonna win - the losers are the poor fools fueling our news. So let's get to it - we have a stack of gold just waiting to be ranted about.