Props from the RDT: James Remar and James Barber

James Barber, because the Urban Peasant was seriously my very first introduction to cooking. It very much influenced what kind of a pothead I turned out to be as well, though trying to explain that theory before 8am on a blustery Tuesday is far beyond my scope.

It also taught me how to keep my clothes clean and unfrozen on a clothes line in the middle of a heavy urban setting when I first moved out of my parents' place at 19 and had never used a laundromat before in my life - nor had I one within walking distance in January. Yeah. I miss the Urban Peasant. I wish it was syndicated and played regularly via re-run.

Someone get on that.

... and James Remar, purely for the fact that I own and have probably dearly loved most of his repertoire within the IMDB. Fans of James Remar have to know exactly who he is, in similar fashion to the big scary fat guy from Lost. Rent these fine films today in order to catch Mr. Remar in his finest acting roles:

The Warriors (1979) as Ajax; an excellent full speaking part! With much use of now obscene words!
Mortal Kombat II, as Raden (Yes, THAT was the guy who replaced The Highlander)
The Girl Next Door, as Hugo Posh
2 Fast 2 Furious, as the SWAT team leader
Pineapple Express, as the scary anti-pot military man

That is all for Tuesday my friends.


Just run with me on this one.

I can create my own nouveau religion via Snoop Dogg.

I don't know what to call it yet. It's heavily plagiarized Judaism with guns and ho's.

... and Kanye is the anti-christ.

Is it fair to say that anyone who believes that Kanye, when pitted against Snoop in a death ring with some type of weaponry (why do I want to believe so firmly that Snoop is secretly more than proficient in the exquisite art of the samurai sword?) banning firearms, would win, is (not-so)secretly a devil-worshipper?

I think it is.

If the Devil wears Prada after all, he must therefore probably also have a sick fetish for Louis Vuitton.


From the Answering Machine

I personally believe that a really off-the-wall voicemail can brighten up anyone's day.

I also don't like leaving anything but pertinent information in my voicemails, cryptically, in case anyone is listening while I'm outside or something. Example:

"Jamie. Six-twelve pee-emm, Sunday. Call my ass back or yours is grass."

(This is my bridesmaid - I promise, this is really endearment between us.)

But what about when you've really got absolutely nothing to say and you don't want to be boring?


Well, as of this afternoon I discovered a niche of entertainment via voicemails I had previously not tapped. Granted, the message I left Mr. Collins wasn't exactly brilliant or engaging, but it did get my point across:

Mr. V played the Jaws theme on an acoustic guitar, and I screamed like in a cheesy horror film.

Now, maybe I'm just a chronic stoner, but can ANYONE tell me there aren't infinite possibilities for entertainment with this kind of behaviour?

Bearing in mind, whenever my mother calls my cell phone, and this has been true for years, I replace "hello?" (as is customary in modern times) with, "Is this Maryanne with the pot?"

(It took her a few years to get the joke, but sometimes she'll even giggle now and suggest I have a "doobie". Do you see why training people is comedy gold now? I<3UMUMMY!!!)

I figure, the more I do this via voicemail and train people to expect it, the easier it will be to seamlessly transition the modern English language into an indecipherable slew of injokes and popular culture references. I'm taking over the world, one cryptic and non-eavesdroppable call at a time.

*ring ring*
"I lost."
"Fuck you!"
"What have you done this time, Monkey Man?"
"Any plans?"
"No, you'll be here in 28 minutes."
"You're right."
"See you. Bring Coke and chocolate."

Doesn't make a lick of sense, does it? Perfect. WE get it. You can do it too, follow us.


Completely A-Twitter

Someone needs to get me some further information on what happened to Mr. Hilton at the MMVA weekend.

I somehow am hardpressed to believe that Will.I.Am randomly picked Perez for a beatdown without some kind of provocation...

Because really, in this day in age, is there seriously an entertainer in the business who would actually have the sheer stupidity/gonads to take on the world's most infamous gay man? I mean, aside from anyone still living who was popular in the 40's. Jerry Lewis, I'm lookin' at you.

But Will.I.Am? I can't see it.

Whatever happened - take your petty shit home with you. There are so many other worse things to busy the MTPD, we don't need this kind of fuckery on top of it.


Props from the Ridiculous Department Team: Jamie Oliver

We here at the department have a list of people we want to congratulate for their hard work. It could be due to fantastic acting, charitable donations, or causes... or it could just be because we think that they're awesome. Whatever the case, props will always be given to those people who need them.

But since we have so many props to give, we think it would be better to dedicate each post to one particular person.

We'll all give our own props to different people we appreciate, and we all have different opinions here at the department, so your reading material will be varied.

My props today go to Jamie Oliver, for his School Dinners program.

He may have too fancy a chef training for most school lunch ladies in Great Britain, and he may have some high hopes, but he has a really good goddamn idea and he just wants to see the whole of his home country eat healthier. There is NO other agenda for him but to get the children of the future eating better foods, and learning more about what they're eating.

I give Mr. Oliver all my props for this show, and his war against the junk food we serve our kids today - because it obviously is very dear to his heart. Anyone who will sit on international television almost in tears over the idea of children being disgusted by fruit is a very brave individual.

I don't know how he puts up with any of those people, quite frankly. I don't know how he stood there without emotion as an 8 year old British boy spat out a fresh strawberry and called it disgusting. What I do know is, it's a fantastic idea, and it's backed by Ryan Seacrest - so it clearly must have some good documentation to go with it.

We all pick our wars, and we all fight them differently - but this is one that I will wholly support as it currently is. Someday I would really love to have a private cooking lesson with this man. Maybe he can teach me how to properly use artichoke hearts, maybe we can just discuss better ways to keep my future children from demanding McDonald's. Whatever the case, someone needs to just go up and hug him for all the bullshit he puts up with on that show.

A woman (a mother of two) in a British grocery store, talking about fucking BASIL of all things:

"Well, this must just be for decoration."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's just leaves... surely you can't eat that."

Will someone PLEASE fucking hug this man for me? Tell him I sent you. Thanks so much.


Irregular Public Service Announcements: Perez Hilton

Irregular public service announcements (IPSAs) are irregular due to the fact that I will only ever post them when something comes up that I absolutely have to say, right there at that very moment, because I'm caught up in the heat of my own emotions at the situation.

Generally IPSAs are going to apply to whatever I've been reading on the regular newswire that day; i.e. the gossip rags (I find TMZ.com the very best for up to the second updates) and how they're reacting to certain issues and the like.

I can almost guarantee that a number of these IPSAs are going to relate directly to Perez Hilton.

Let me give you a little background on my opinions of Mr. Hilton (or Lavandeira, for the purists). I've always been predisposed to enjoy gossip rags at the grocery store; I cannot explain my need for information about everyday comings and goings of celebrities. I discovered this whole pop culture news blogging phenomena a few years ago - roughly right about the time that Mario Lavandeira was revisioning PageSixSixSix.com into its current form; PerezHilton.com.

I loved it, because it seemed to be fresh information for which I had no original source. Always entertaining, always opinionated; always interesting, and with a very liberal-minded swing towards the world (surely due to Perez's entrenchment in a niche lifestyle demographic). Also, it was chock full of cool photos that I usually didn't have my own access to.

It's been quite a while now, and Perez has certainly built himself an empire from which to crash quite spectacularly. Not that I am suggesting this is what will happen, or what should happen - I just think it's somewhat inevitable at this rate. What goes up must come down, and the higher we climb, the harder we fall. I obviously applaud Perez on his ability to network, to charm, to sway the masses; he has a lot of clout, and a lot of charisma.

But so did Hitler. If you ask a Nazi; even if you asked an unsuspecting German citizen at the time, they would tell you that Der Fuhrer was very charismatic and had a seemingly good platform on which to dictate. It's all in the presentation, folks. What it all boils down to is world domination.

That's what it all boils down to for almost anyone in the entertainment industry, and don't even try to tell me otherwise. It's all world domination in the form of networking, socializing, awards, and ratings. I dare you to prove me wrong - and I dare you to do so without referencing Angelina Jolie, as she's still about world domination, but in a charitable sense. It all comes down to having the finances available to do whatever the fuck you want.

... or, in Perez's case, the network and celebrity backing necessary to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which includes posting some pretty offensive opinions, all in the name of fighting for his own causes.

My point here? Perez, you are full of yourself these days. I support your war against Proposition 8. I support your efforts to celebrate and fight for the gay and lesbian community.


But I am not American, and I have no right to vote or fight for American rights - nor do I really have any interest or desire to do so. That is left for you American folks to decide. Instead, I offer this humble opinion.

I think Perez has puffed himself up so high, to be such a crusader for gay rights, that he has forgotten his own humble roots. Do you remember PageSixSixSix.com, Mario? Do you remember what your original intention always was? I would love to know.

Your public service announcement for today comes in a few parts and is directed both at Perez, and anyone else that rabidly follows him with all blinders up.

1.) Please do not ever again suggest that ALL heterosexual pregnancies are unwanted. I know that gay people deserve to be parents just as much as anyone else of any other lifestyle, but it does NOT give you the right to suggest that gay people deserve to be parents MORE than heterosexuals because "those children are actually WANTED". I'm pregnant, buddy, and we want it. Maybe I'm just one person, but for every ONE person pissed off, there's usually a few who agree but weren't aware of the situation. JUST SAYIN', K? THANKS.

2.) On the topic of Adam Lambert, and his supposed "crush on you" - may I offer some advice? Neither of you has a crush on the other one. He suggested that YOU did, because all you ever do is rant and rave about how awesome it is to be a gay American Idol contestant. DEFLATE YOUR HEAD - this whole scenario makes me about as disgusted as listening to middle school students discuss the same general idea. I have a whole LIST of suggestions for Mr. Lambert himself on the topic of moderation and less excess is more, but we'll get into that on another day. This post is for Perez today.

There is a big difference between being proud of who you are, and being an overzealous crusader for your cause. If you keep on down this road, you are going to be no better than Carrie Prejean and her war against gay marriages. Remember the high road.

Doris Mantooth is a Saint!

Vince Vaughn... Mr. C, explain?

Original $10 List

A note from Ms. V:

Let me explain this a little further before we continue and make this an ongoing segment within our topics.

When Mission Impossible 3 came out, I refused to go see it in theatres on the grounds that I will not support Tom Cruise or his crackpottery. Now, my father is a big fan of the Mission Impossible franchise (and really, any kind of film where there are fast cars and things inevitably blow up in glorious fashion) and while I am staunchly opposed to Tom Cruise, I am also staunchly opposed to upsetting my Daddy.

So he took me to see it in theatres, and paid my admission, which was just under $10 at the time. (These movies these days... DISGUSTING price for a film ticket, may I add.) While watching the film, I appreciated it for its blow-dem-up nature and the rest of its cast. I cannot stand Keri Russell any more than I can Tom Cruise, so I was displeased with her, but - lo and behold, the rest of the cast was utterly fantastic. I love Phillip Seymour Hoffmann and Billy Crudup, and well, Johnathan Rhys-Myers is just a lovely lad to look at and listen to when speaking.

I decided then and there that someday I wanted to congratulate these men on making a fantastic movie despite the hinderances Tom Cruise brings with him.

I proposed the idea to Mr. Collins, that someday we should hand $10 to each of the actors whom we felt deserved the admission price we would otherwise not have paid to see their film. Somehow or another, despite being bad movies or not to our tastes, there are actors who are utterly GREAT in otherwise dreary and miserable movies.

Problem is, this list has been growing for several years now and shows no signs of slowing down. So this was our original $10 list, and in future you will see small snippet posts where we have come up with a number of new entrants to the list. New entrants don't always necessarily have a bad film to their name - we just really think that we want to hand them a tenner and thank them for their services to the film industry.

Someday, I seriously wanna storm the Oscars with this list, all for the sake of entertainment television.

I might go so far as to say I would jump across rooftops and swing like a monkey from fire escapes in order to hand Phillip Seymour Hoffmann or Johnny Depp their $10 bills.

All for a laugh, right?

Robert Downey Jr.

Philip Seymour Hoffman
Billy Crudup
Peter Saarsgard
Ving Rhames
Joaquin Phoenix
Johnathan Rhys-Myers
John Rhys Davies
Megan Fox (for putting up with Shia LeBoeuf in Transformers, and also for being a pothead who believes she looks like a transvestite Alan Alda)
Alex Winters
Christopher Walken
Luke Wilson (for The Royal Tenenbaums)
Bruce Campbell
Simon Pegg
Nick Frost
Meryl Streep
James Remar
Ellen Page
Liv Tyler
Milla Jovovich
Audrey Tautou
Dame Maggie Smith



In our very first edition of WWKD? (What Would Kanye Do?) I have this small gem to offer to the table:

When given the opportunity to design a sneaker with a swanky designer line, WWKD?

Clearly, Kanye would fashion himself a pair of futuristic Nikes, last seen on Marty McFly - then slap the Louis Vuitton logo on it so only the raunchiest of dumb celebrities can own them.

Flip your pants pockets out. Kids in the future wear their clothes inside out."
Cool! Power laces!"

Upcoming Topics

I'm using this mostly as a placeholder, but this is a sample of the menu to come up.

I actually have quite a list elsewhere (carefully trapper-kept within a swanky moleskine) but I suppose we should start with a small agenda.

*Nadya Sulemon, Kate Gosselin, and other baby-eaters
*Terrible drivers and their undying need to overtake the roads
*I hate Clay Aiken so much.
*Ryan Seacrest teaching Philosophy 101
*Why paparazzi should never be allowed to sue for injuries

Any suggestions??


Introduction to the Department

We'll begin this by explaining, obviously, what exactly the department does, and stands for.

I am Ms. V; chairwoman of operations here. Also on this team we have Mr. Collins, whom we view as an independent contractor of sorts. He comes and goes as he pleases, but often has more useful information and insight to provide than I do. From time to time you may notice a male counterpart to my Ms. V; he's also on an independent contractor basis. It's most likely that I will be doing 75% of these posts, with Mr. Collins and Mr. V sharing the remaining 25%.

The ridiculous department, in its infancy, is the very basis of all things that society today finds entertaining. This includes, but is most certainly not limited to; politics, current news coverage, popular icons and their associated variety of pop culture. Anything that, when told to myself or Mr. Collins, renders us speechless or simply cannot be fathomed due to the sheer stupidity of its nature, is sent directly to the ridiculous department for processing, handling, and analytics.

We're just trying to understand what the fuck is wrong with the world today, but we're not interested in tackling the issues that everyone else is. There are already so many people involved in serious issues - celebrities fueling money into third-world rescue efforts (go Angelina!), politicians and hostile war, and Perez Hilton single-handedly thrusting the gay community at the world (not that there's anything wrong with that). We're not here to add to agendas you've already discussed.

Our approach is a little more homegrown.

Money isn't the root of all evil. Stupidity is.

Our philosophy here is that to save the world, we need to weed out stupidity. In order to do this, it's first necessary to inform the public of what we view as stupid or ignorant (I know, because you should all care what we think, right? Well, you all care what Perez thinks... we all start somewhere.) and then discuss ways in which we can all delight in the lesson we learn from resolving the issue.

... because nobody likes to learn lessons without being entertained. I will get into the topic of why celebrities should volunteer their time at educational institutes to teach difficult but important classes later - it stems from this theory.

The point is, we're going to try to make you laugh with material we're given by everyone else. Then, we're going to try to make you laugh with our take on how to fix the stupid situation. Eventually, we kind of want to take this plot on the road and film it. So you'll help us, right? Everybody just wants a good laugh these days. We're gonna try to deliver. You can tell us when we win, and when we fail.

In the end, we're all gonna win - the losers are the poor fools fueling our news. So let's get to it - we have a stack of gold just waiting to be ranted about.