T4F: Prologue

My newest segment is short and to the point.

Every time I'm reading (gossip rags, news, Wikipedia, whatever) and something incenses me enough that I can only blurt out random obscenities, here they shall go.

I'm calling this T4F; short for "Tears for Fears". Har har - an abbreviated SHOUT-out. I'm so clever.

Shall we?

Taylor Momsen: PUT ON SOME FUCKING PANTS.

Nobody likes dirty magic underaged hookers. Oh, and get over not being in Twilight. I HAVE to point this out - you got to fake-bang Ed Westwick as Little J. Not looking emaciated and sparkly. You honestly want to tell me that one hot British guy is simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH because he's NOT Robert Pattinson? Don't you have parents?!

(Editor's note to the Momster: Jenny Humphrey was supposed to be an awkward, chunky brunette girl. Since you don't feel so blessed to have been given her role, I could suggest someone more willing - myself. ALSO I KNOW HOW TO WEAR PANTS AND SMILE.)

Michael Lohan: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

SRS BSNSS. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Perez Hilton: I don't believe you.

People who care about "Sister Wives" for any reason: YOU ALL KNEW POLYGAMY EXISTED. YOU ALL KNEW TLC WAS THE DEVIL. YOU SHOULD'VE FIGURED THAT OUT WITH THE GOSSELINS.

Frankly, I applaud the multi-wifed man. How does he deal with 3 blondes and a brunette all menstruating together?

That is all in T4F for today.

Social Experiment Wrap-Up

Marks are in on Wednesday, so I'll remain 18 until that time.

We'll see what kind of actual advice I can glean from my data-mining; it should be a few weeks.

Happy Grade 12 Diploma day, faithful bitchcake readers. <3

Recent Facepalms

1. Black student walking out of quiz on To Kill a Mockingbird - citing that the book was racist. No, son - characters in the book are racist. The narrator, and ultimately the moral of the book, are not. If the story was told from the view of a 7-year-old bigot in Alabama in the Dirty Thirties, I'd burn it myself. There's your subtly bold statement of the day.

2. Deliberately avoiding the adult education centre washroom in favour of the hairstyling school washroom, only to find urine all over every single toilet seat. Ladies, pay attention! I was counting on you!

3. "If I've shaved my legs and am wearing panties underneath, is it acceptable for me to leave the house in your boxers, in this heat?"
"Knock yourself out. You'll still be covering more of your ass than the pregnant teenager we saw last night."

4. Despite being rather educated, I'll be in high school on my 25th birthday. Which is tomorrow. Send me chocolate. Also send me central air conditioning. Kthx love you!

Editor's note;
I'm not sure which is more disturbing, #1 or #3. Regardless, I left the house in his underwear.

Continued Education

In 2003, when I was meant to graduate, I fucked up. I really fucked up. I admit, however, that I fucked up, and seven years later made a final effort to resolve my serious issues. So I currently attend an adult learning centre, as the more polite people might refer to it.

It's an old French school, taken over by the Catholic school board, and overrun with all the types of people who just don't cut it to their first high school graduations. Now, don't get me wrong. This institution caters a lot of services to a lot of different kinds of people, and it's a useful and important facet of society. In turn, the people who choose to attend this place of their own accord deserve measured respect. I'm not putting the school down.

I'll just continue on to tell you that I was not surprised in the least when my English teacher today told me that the book we're presently reading is often the only book her students have ever completed in their lives. I was not surprised, and that fact disturbed me more than anything else. In jovial fashion I replied that if this book was the only thing they could say they'd read next to magazines and sports statistics or price tags, then she should consider her job done. We had a laugh, and off I went.

We're reading To Kill A Mockingbird.

Originally, I had been incredibly distraught at being "forced" to read, and have read to me, a book that had been in my possession for the last decade. I made a point to sleep or draw through this class for the first few weeks. After hearing her admit what she did, however, I plan to thoroughly enjoy discussing my favourite book for three hours every day until June.

Because I can.

Perhaps you might tell me that I'm full of myself. I'm no Rhodes scholar, you could say, and here I am acting like I'm the queen of England herself. That's fine, that's perfectly fine - you can go read Perez Hilton, for my meager blog of silly is wasting space on your iPod screen. Until Project Gutenberg puts up Harper Lee, it seems I will be part of a dying breed. That's fine too.

Small satisfactions.

Now, on the other hand, if you actually enjoy reading - go thank whomever it was that taught you to read. Thank them. They gave you a gift that you have not squandered. It's really polite to thank people for giving you very useful gifts.

Any of our other staff members (particularly Mr. V) can tell you how judgmental I can be towards random strangers - any of the following will come out of my passengerial observations during car rides:

"Holy shit lady, bleach your goddamn roots!"
"PROSTITOT!"
"I didn't know Derelicte fashion was a real thing."
"Do you suppose you could stop fawning in your rearview long enough to GO, BITCH?! YOU'RE NOT THAT CUTE!"
"Did she wake up and decide to just poke her feet into some dead otters?"

But those are people who will not hear the insults from behind the closed window of a car speeding by. IRL, if you will, when I am meeting new people and doing my weight and measured, the rules are different. I don't pass judgment on a lot of things in social interactions, mostly just how I'm being socially interacted with. I certainly don't pass judgment on people who were never given an opportunity to enjoy reading, and you can tell who those people are.

BUT PEOPLE WHO JUST DON'T LIKE READING BECAUSE IT'S BORING AND SOMETHING BETTER IS PROBABLY ON TV N TALK LYK DIS ALL DA TIME N DONT KNO HOW 2 RITE PROPR SENTINSIS CUZ DEY ONLY EVR TALK ON DA INTRNT OR DEY CELLIES, AMiRITE????

Those people can rot in hell.

That's all. As you were!

Hairy Q&A

"Okay, so if I bleach my hair it's going to go orange, right?"
"That depends on what it does naturally. If there's red in it, it'll go orange as sure as Snookie will."
"It went neon last time..."
"I... can't believe I just said that."

Overheads and Overheards

"Bologna, I don't know if you know, will take the paint off a car."
"I did not know that. I love bologna."
"Probably for the best that your innards aren't coated in car paint then, yeah?"

The Almost-Daily Rip

RIP Dixie Carter (May 25, 1939 – April 10, 2010)

I hope you're swilling mint julups in the great big Sugarbaker design house in the sky. I hope, because you were the best Designing Woman. Happy trails, Dixie!

"Sugarbaker? Oh, I love that! See, I did it too! Kikibaker!"

Been Kissed: Very Srs Scientific Biznss

"This is all very scientific. When you're making a movie, it requires some type of obstacles to overcome that throw a wrench into the gears of a perfectly lain out plan. Clearly, a car not starting is a boring and bland conflict for a romantic comedy, unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances. BUT IF YOU'RE MAKING A DOOMSDAY MOVIE, and your main characters are TRYING TO ESCAPE A HUNDRED-FOOT TSUNAMI, and the CAR WON'T START, that's gonna put asses on the edges of seats, is it not?"

what the parents think is a good idea.

what i think is a good idea: stop fucking feeding your kids mcdonald's all the time and fucking learn what to do with your frying pans, you lazy jackasses.

ronald mcdonald is not the devil. he's not col. sanders.

here's another good idea: stop fucking paying for cable, because it's commercials that make kids want things. not the actual clown himself. THE CLOWN IS NOT WHAT TASTES GOOD.

LOOK HOW SHOUTY YOU IRRESPONSIBLE, LAZY, FINGER-POINTING PARENTS, HAVE MADE ME. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY.

*cough* apologies.

discuss?

Just Asking...

Does Jermaine Jackson have the sides and back of his hair painted on?

This is a totally serious question.

I think he might be from the same planet Prince is.

Kathryn Heigl is the Ultimate Ridiculous Dept. Contributor

I absolutely loathe Kathryn Heigl. Detest.

Why? Because she is the penultimate example of being a privileged, whiney bitch.

I mean, okay, who am I to judge celebrities as people? You're right, dear reader - I have no right at all to judge the actual personality of the people I read about daily.

But this bothers me in a way that previously, only Perez Hilton could bother me.

I recently read the interview that Heigl gave on her decision to leave Grey's Anatomy so abruptly. This interview on its own is nothing special - Heigl often gives interviews, as she is most definitely a talented* actress. (*talented being subjective.) She explains that she simply had to do it, and she hopes the fans aren't disappointed.

Now, I mean, in my head I'm already explaining why she had to leave - she just adopted a little Asian girl named Naleigh (who is possibly one of the most adorable celebrity babies ever.) She wants to stay home with her new daughter all the time, now that she is famous and has several movies under her belt upon which to live off the gratuities. She explains in this interview that she is exceptionally grateful for being able to HAVE this little girl, saying that adoption isn't cheap - well, how did you make that money to adopt her, anyway? You made it by acting for your fans. Grey's Anatomy is a wildly popular show with a large fanbase, and it is arguably the one proper mainstay in Heigl's career.

Because I think we all know that without Grey's, 27 Dresses and Knocked Up certainly wouldn't have happened.

Every time this woman opens her mouth, bullshit falls out.

"I'm so grateful for what I have."
I have everything I want so I don't need you tools anymore.

"Naleigh is amazing."
I paid a shitload of money for this little girl, money you as the fans gave me, and I just took her with me to my little sister's party where she was introducing her brand new baby (that she created biologically). Because I always need the spotlight. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.

"I hope the fans aren't disappointed."
I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want, including leaving production early and requiring Izzy to be written out of any future cameos before season end. I know you'll be disappointed, but I'm hoping you'll still come see the next movie I decide to lift my finger to act in.

She complains about being married, she complains about her work hours, and she does whatever the fuck she wants. I hope the fans are disappointed. I'm not even a fan of Grey's Anatomy at ALL, but I feel for anyone who actually liked Izzy as a character. I am sorely sorry for you, for even trying to enjoy your favourite show.

May I suggest right now that the only good role Heigl has ever had was when she was a chubby brunette med student being hacked to pieces in Valentine.

May I just SUGGEST that when your big break into Hollywood is being sliced to pieces by a surgical scalpel in a movie starring David Boreanaz, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY ACTUALLY ACTING GRATEFUL TO YOUR FANS WHEN YOU BECOME A RUNAWAY SUCCESS.

May I also suggest that if that bitch doesn't want to be on Grey's Anatomy, I'll take over the role of Izzy Stevens, because I COULD REALLY USE THAT KIND OF MONEY YOU DUMB TWAT.

Overheards and Overheads

"Did you ask her about Friday?"
"She's not single, dude... she has two babies in diapers."
"... and?"

"If there's anything I like better than making music, it's solving a groovy mystery!"

(randomly quoted while working on PowerPoint)

I'm Feeling Very Olympic Today

Otherwise known as, "Coverage of the 2010 Winter Games using only gossip websites, hearsay, Facebook feeds, and the honking outside"

#1 Scotty Lago acts himself a fool - then blames it on the Azns.

Double-yoo tee fuck. He won bronze, and in celebration, decided to walk about the streets of my fair Vancouver with it adorning his codpiece - then had photos taken of some lovely young thing removing it with her teeth.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: if ANYONE other than your mom knows who you are, and a picture is taken of you, it will end up on the internet. That's how Facebook works - ruining your job applications with the ease of showing your future employers just how hammered you were last New Year's, through someone else's brilliant tagging. You see where I'm going?

So, being appropriately appalled, the Olympic Committee ordered Scotty to either apologize and pack, or just leave on the spot. Away from the Olympic Village goes the tool.

Then, in recent snippets from sources, we find that in an effort to sound smooth, Lago likened his incident to one where Michael Phelps found himself troubled by the creator of Laineygossip - also Asian. I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole. How American of you! *cough*

Just gross, alright? Shut your damn mouth, Lago, and don't do stupid shit with Olympic medals to begin with. I could list all the wrongs done, but I'm sure they're pretty evident. Certainly don't blame your troubles on a generalization of a multitude of races of people thereafter.

FACEPALM RATING: 5/5

#2 Homophobic commentators assigned to ice-dancing = FAIL

Johnny Weir proves himself to be a spectacular athlete with individual flair.

Commentators deem themselves fit to spew hatred towards lifestyle choices and say some very rude things that have nothing to do with ice dancing, really, at all. Cannot fully understand where their original ignorance/hatred lie; is it that they dislike gay men, they dislike Johnny Weir specifically, or they really just hate the sport of ice-dancing in general? Is all very hazy.

Johnny Weir gives spectacular press conference soundbytes and is very poised and articulated.

My question to the commentators who didn't deserve the honour of their job:

Did you expect Brett Favre to get out there and stomp around the ice to the soundtrack of Team America: World Police? How manly did you expect this sport to be? Priorities on what you're judging, here. It's the Olympics. Everyone except the snowboarders wear Spandex - and the snowboarders were wearing snowpants made to look like distressed and baggy jeans, which actually made them look like toddlers in hip Walmart winter gear. I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT THE SEXUALITY OF OUR ATHLETES IN THESE CONDITIONS.

FACEPALMS: 5/5

#3 Canadian Girl's Drinking/Hockey Team celebrates on ice, losers sore losers

Pictures are leaked of Canada's women's hockey team celebrating victory on the ice after the fans had left. Stogies were had, champagne was poured directly into mouths, hockey skates were still on.

Problem? I see none. They won. No one else was there.

Someone gets their panties in a twist, pictures hits the internets, Canada apologizes. Profusely.

Point? None. Holy crap, how uptight are you people?

FACEPALMS: 2/5

#4 Canada Beats US in Hockey

... it was always our gold. That's all I have to say about that.

FACEPALMS: 0/5 ... y'all played a tight game though! Good game! Good game!