tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22280489923493274132024-03-05T10:59:32.068-05:003rd Floor; Ridiculous DepartmentMs. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-49039996196082657552013-05-12T22:40:00.002-04:002013-05-12T22:40:22.437-04:00This is not a "Mommy Blog"Let's make a few things clear before I continue raving like a lunatic.<br />
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The Ridiculous Department is not merely a title for a one-woman show; it is a collaboration of understanding amongst good, sane, logical people of like minds and unlike lifestyles. The phrase was coined by Mr. C while discussing some long-ago matter of stupidity, likely a current event, when it was suggested that what we were talking about was so beyond reason that it should be filed to this department.<br /><br />Here we are. These are our files. They are not constantly updated as I am the only one with any time or gumption to voice them, and as a mother of 2.5 children I have very little spare time as it is. This is now my late night project, after they are asleep and Mr. V is still at work; I cannot let it hinder my domestic duties, but it will hinder my desire to fall down Wikipedia rabbit holes for hours (I'm running out of interesting topics.)<br /><br />Which leads me to my next point - this is not a so-called "Mommy Blog". I am not a "Mommy-Blogger". I may at any point lead into a tirade that involves parenting, but I highly doubt that I will become a guest blogger for any of the potently vicious parenting sites available online. I am not their class, for one; more importantly I cannot fathom turning everything I talk about into something that has to do with child-rearing. It is boring. I do not expect or wish to have viral arguments exploding in my comments about whether or not elimination communication is a viable parenting choice in major cities, or just how organic a cheese cracker has to be before it is not classified as junk food.<br />
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(My stances on these two items are pretty simple, by the by; if you are training your child via EC, you damn well clean up after your child as you would a dog on a leash. Also, you damn well tell other family members about "cues" so no one ends up with diarrhea lap. As for organic food - if you didn't grow it yourself in your own soil, you should be hard-pressed to make snobby commentary about foodstuffs. Everyone has to eat, and you cannot expect everyone to have access to the same "cow-shares" and other luxurious farmer novelties. Worry less about organic crackers at playdates and more about Freezies as snacks at daycare. Really.)<br /><br />My goal here is to reach the widest audience possible via a single common denominator - humor. Every topic we cover here, even just the tiniest snippets of conversations or public happenings, is meant to be viewed as funny. Of course, there are hilarious aspects of parenting and they are covered quite well in other areas of the internet. This, however, is not an exclusive forum to parents alone, and I don't want to exclude readers.<br /><br />If you want to laugh at parents because you are childless, I recommend <a href="http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/" target="_blank">STFU Parents</a>. If you want to laugh at parents because you have children and understand, try <a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/" target="_blank">The Stir</a>. If you just want to read some ridiculous ranting about whatever happens to bother us that day, do stay here.<br /><br />But, if you make the choice to stay here and entertain yourself with my words, let this be known - it is a weblog. It is meant to be mostly text-based, with very few pictorial aids. I simply do not understand why or how individuals become popular by yelling at their web camera (if you like that sort of thing, <a href="http://www.greenewave.com/" target="_blank">Mr. Greene</a> is pretty boss at yelling about very particular subjects) or, ever-popular, how they do so by slapping on sixteen pounds of makeup and pressing their cleavage together while baby-talking chihuahuas about what boys say in cars. There's nothing funny about that to me; it's random douchey people talking. If I wanted to see or listen to that, I could go to a bar or a local university quad.<br />
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The only time you will ever see me grace a webcam with my presence will be to poke fun at other popular "vloggers" and there will be no editing. If I cannot say it all in one go without chopping and editing the video, the point is lost completely. I will not make up my face just to do it, and I really don't care if nobody ends up reading this. If I can't win without breasts or political shouty rants, I don't want to win. Straight up.<br /><br />Thus ends today's lesson. Go in peace and keep pointing out stupidity, friends.Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-34650840724788972552011-08-14T09:06:00.002-04:002011-08-14T09:16:46.783-04:00Extreme Couponing<p>I'd like to know, when those cameras are following hapless couponers through large American grocery chains, do the managers throw unadulterated hissy fits off-stage? </p><p>Do they see that fiend coming through the parking lot and break a sweat, knowing they're about to be bent over and asked about their father? Does it haunt their dreams at night that at any given moment, TLC might bust in their doors with a heavily made-up woman screeching and caterwauling over heavily-discounted Lipton's Sidekicks?</p><p>If it were my store, I'd be puking buckets of slugs every time I opened the place in the morning.</p><p>That's not to say I haven't tried to scrounge a dollar in savings from time to time. But up here, our cashiers aren't as warm and welcoming; they won't give you a high-five when you show up with your stack of fliers to price-match.</p><p>I won't even lie - the death-look I received from my cashier last night was enough to char the roots of her perfectly-peroxided mane. All I wanted was chicken burgers for 50% off! I only had one cart!</p><p>If you damned teenagers would just turn from MTV's pregnant happenstance soaps, and learn the value of a supposedly doomed dollar, my grocery trips could be just as fun as TLC makes them out to be!</p><p>... well, that is, if our coupon rules in Canada were anything like yours. Should any reader happen to think there's nothing wrong with America's couponing rules (and I can assure you, the economy is not being helped by food-hoarding for pennies on the dollar) I invite you to read the fine black-print-in-bright-yellow-box that Canadian coupons bear.</p><p>Once you're done reading them, you'll put it right back down and be totally comfortable paying full purchase price for said item, because you're scared and confused and just wanted some Oreos.</p>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-81780633500177179382011-06-21T19:19:00.003-04:002011-06-21T19:23:36.983-04:00Overheads and OverheardsIn line at the pharmacy behind a tan-skinned young man (dressed as a punk rocker, if it matters)<br /><br />"I'm looking for lesion cream."<br />"Skin lesions?"<br />"Yeah."<br />"We have (<em>trumpets blaring through medical terminology in my head</em>)."<br />"Can I use it on large areas? Like, say, my shoulders?"<br />"I... are you trying to lighten your skin?"<br />"Yeah."<br />"Like Michael Jackson?"<br />"Pretty much."<br /><br />... and she sold it to him anyway.Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-15788738452177353422010-10-27T13:08:00.002-04:002010-10-27T13:18:05.020-04:00T4F: PrologueMy newest segment is short and to the point.<br /><br />Every time I'm reading (gossip rags, news, Wikipedia, whatever) and something incenses me enough that I can only blurt out random obscenities, here they shall go.<br /><br />I'm calling this T4F; short for "Tears for Fears". Har har - an abbreviated<b> SHOUT</b>-out. I'm so clever.<br /><br />Shall we?<div><br /></div><div><i>Taylor Momsen</i>: PUT ON SOME FUCKING PANTS. </div><div><br /></div><div>Nobody likes dirty magic underaged hookers. Oh, and get over not being in Twilight. I HAVE to point this out - you got to fake-bang Ed Westwick as Little J. Not looking emaciated and sparkly. You honestly want to tell me that one hot British guy is simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH because he's NOT Robert Pattinson? Don't you have parents?!</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(Editor's note to the Momster: Jenny Humphrey was supposed to be an awkward, chunky brunette girl. Since you don't feel so blessed to have been given her role, I could suggest someone more willing - myself. ALSO I KNOW HOW TO WEAR PANTS AND SMILE.)</i></span></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Michael Lohan</i>: SHUT THE FUCK UP.<br /><br />SRS BSNSS. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Perez Hilton</i>: I don't believe you.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>People who care about "Sister Wives" for any reason</i>: YOU ALL KNEW POLYGAMY EXISTED. YOU ALL KNEW TLC WAS THE DEVIL. YOU SHOULD'VE FIGURED THAT OUT WITH THE GOSSELINS.</div><div><br /></div><div>Frankly, I applaud the multi-wifed man. How does he deal with 3 blondes and a brunette all menstruating together?<br /><br />That is all in T4F for today.</div>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-33025161195947312412010-06-25T13:11:00.001-04:002010-06-25T13:13:29.497-04:00Social Experiment Wrap-UpMarks are in on Wednesday, so I'll remain 18 until that time.<br /><br />We'll see what kind of actual advice I can glean from my data-mining; it should be a few weeks.<br /><br />Happy Grade 12 Diploma day, faithful bitchcake readers. <3Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-91581662129016394812010-05-26T22:38:00.004-04:002010-05-26T22:50:01.953-04:00Recent Facepalms<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span></span> Black student walking out of quiz on <span style="font-style: italic;">To Kill a Mockingbird</span> - citing that the book was racist. No, son - characters in the book are racist. The narrator, and ultimately the moral of the book, are not. If the story was told from the view of a 7-year-old bigot in Alabama in the Dirty Thirties, I'd burn it myself. There's your subtly bold statement of the day.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span></span> Deliberately avoiding the adult education centre washroom in favour of the hairstyling school washroom, only to find urine all over <span style="font-style: italic;">every single toilet seat</span>. Ladies, pay attention! I was counting on you!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size:130%;">3.</span> </span><span style="font-style: italic;">"If I've shaved my legs and am wearing panties underneath, is it acceptable for me to leave the house in your boxers, in this heat?"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Knock yourself out. You'll still be covering more of your ass than the pregnant teenager we saw last night."<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span></span> Despite being rather educated, I'll be in high school on my 25th birthday. Which is tomorrow. Send me chocolate. Also send me central air conditioning. Kthx love you!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Editor's note;</span><br />I'm not sure which is more disturbing, #1 or #3. Regardless, I left the house in his underwear.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-66539997446142904122010-05-21T12:52:00.002-04:002010-05-21T13:26:23.218-04:00Continued Education<span style="font-size:85%;">In 2003, when I was meant to graduate, I fucked up. <span style="font-style: italic;">I really fucked up. </span>I admit, however, that I fucked up, and seven years later made a final effort to resolve my serious issues. So I currently attend an adult learning centre, as the more polite people might refer to it.<br /><br />It's an old French school, taken over by the Catholic school board, and overrun with all the types of people who just don't cut it to their first high school graduations. Now, don't get me wrong. This institution caters a lot of services to a lot of different kinds of people, and it's a useful and important facet of society. In turn, the people who choose to attend this place of their own accord deserve measured respect. I'm not putting the school down.<br /><br />I'll just continue on to tell you that I was not surprised in the least when my English teacher today told me that the book we're presently reading is often the only book her students have ever completed in their lives. I was not surprised, and that fact disturbed me more than anything else. In jovial fashion I replied that if this book was the only thing they could say they'd read next to magazines and sports statistics or price tags, then she should consider her job done. We had a laugh, and off I went.<br /><br />We're reading <span style="font-weight: bold;">To Kill A Mockingbird</span>.<br /><br />Originally, I had been incredibly distraught at being "forced" to read, and have read to me, a book that had been in my possession for the last decade. I made a point to sleep or draw through this class for the first few weeks. After hearing her admit what she did, however, I plan to thoroughly enjoy discussing my favourite book for three hours every day until June.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Because I can.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span>Perhaps you might tell me that I'm full of myself. I'm no Rhodes scholar, you could say, and here I am acting like I'm the queen of England herself. That's fine, that's perfectly fine - you can go read Perez Hilton, for my meager blog of silly is wasting space on your iPod screen. Until Project Gutenberg puts up Harper Lee, it seems I will be part of a dying breed. That's fine too.<br /><br />Small satisfactions.<br /><br />Now, on the other hand, if you actually enjoy reading - go thank whomever it was that taught you to read. <span style="font-style: italic;">Thank them</span>. They gave you a gift that you have not squandered. It's really polite to thank people for giving you very useful gifts.<br /><br />Any of our other staff members (particularly Mr. V) can tell you how judgmental I can be towards random strangers - any of the following will come out of my passengerial observations during car rides:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Holy shit lady, bleach your goddamn roots!"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"PROSTITOT!"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"I didn't know Derelicte fashion was a real thing."</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Do you suppose you could stop fawning in your rearview long enough to GO, BITCH?! YOU'RE NOT THAT CUTE!"</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Did she wake up and decide to just poke her feet into some dead otters?"</span><br /><br />But those are people who will not hear the insults from behind the closed window of a car speeding by. IRL, if you will, when I am meeting new people and doing my weight and measured, the rules are different. I don't pass judgment on a lot of things in social interactions, mostly just how I'm being socially interacted with. I certainly don't pass judgment on people who were never given an opportunity to enjoy reading, and you can tell who those people are.<br /><br />BUT PEOPLE WHO JUST DON'T LIKE READING BECAUSE IT'S BORING AND SOMETHING BETTER IS PROBABLY ON TV N TALK LYK DIS ALL DA TIME N DONT KNO HOW 2 RITE PROPR SENTINSIS CUZ DEY ONLY EVR TALK ON DA INTRNT OR DEY CELLIES, AMiRITE????<br /><br />Those people can rot in hell.<br /><br />That's all. As you were!<br /></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-47182445168043159052010-04-29T12:54:00.003-04:002010-04-29T12:55:12.230-04:00Hairy Q&A"Okay, so if I bleach my hair it's going to go orange, right?"<br />"That depends on what it does naturally. If there's red in it, it'll go orange as sure as Snookie will."<br />"It went neon last time..."<br />"I... can't believe I just said that."Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-89613995866623670642010-04-16T09:21:00.001-04:002010-04-16T09:22:09.032-04:00Overheads and Overheards"Bologna, I don't know if you know, will take the paint off a car."<br />"I did <em>not</em> know that. I <em>love</em> bologna."<br />"Probably for the best that your innards aren't coated in car paint then, yeah?"Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-27743716711169634782010-04-15T10:51:00.002-04:002010-04-15T10:57:33.087-04:00The Almost-Daily RipRIP Dixie Carter (May 25, 1939 – April 10, 2010)<br /><br />I hope you're swilling mint julups in the great big Sugarbaker design house in the sky. I hope, because you were the <em>best</em> Designing Woman. Happy trails, Dixie!<br /><br />"<em>Sugarbaker? Oh, I love that! See, I did it too! Kikibaker!"</em>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-39999542525335276622010-04-06T13:08:00.002-04:002010-04-06T13:14:15.041-04:00Been Kissed: Very Srs Scientific Biznss<span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">"This is all very scientific. When you're making a movie, it requires some type of obstacles to overcome that throw a wrench into the gears of a perfectly lain out plan. Clearly, a car not starting is a boring and bland conflict for a romantic comedy, unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances. BUT IF YOU'RE MAKING A DOOMSDAY MOVIE, and your main characters are TRYING TO ESCAPE A HUNDRED-FOOT TSUNAMI, and the CAR WON'T START, that's gonna put asses on the edges of seats, is it not?"<br /></span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-4827232713393863012010-03-31T20:02:00.003-04:002010-03-31T20:06:47.992-04:00<span style="font-size:78%;"><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://perezhilton.com/2010-03-31-ronald-mcdonald-retiring">what the parents think is a good idea</a><span style="font-family: verdana;">.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">what i think is a good idea: stop fucking feeding your kids mcdonald's all the time and fucking learn what to do with your frying pans, you lazy jackasses.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">ronald mcdonald is not the devil. he's not col. sanders.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">here's another good idea: stop fucking paying for cable, because it's commercials that make kids want things. not the actual clown himself. THE CLOWN IS NOT WHAT TASTES GOOD.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">LOOK HOW SHOUTY YOU IRRESPONSIBLE, LAZY, FINGER-POINTING PARENTS, HAVE MADE ME. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">*cough* apologies.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">discuss?</span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-38354410018595105202010-03-31T19:59:00.001-04:002010-03-31T20:00:23.085-04:00Just Asking...<span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Does Jermaine Jackson have the sides and back of his hair painted on?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">This is a totally serious question.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I think he might be from the same planet Prince is.</span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-44971069603770077432010-03-30T09:59:00.002-04:002010-03-30T10:30:11.080-04:00Kathryn Heigl is the Ultimate Ridiculous Dept. Contributor<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;">I absolutely loathe Kathryn Heigl. Detest.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">Why? Because she is the penultimate example of being a privileged, whiney bitch.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">I mean, okay, who am I to judge celebrities as people? You're right, dear reader - I have no right at all to judge the actual personality of the people I read about daily.<br /><br />But this bothers me in a way that previously, only Perez Hilton could bother me.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">I recently read the interview that Heigl gave on her decision to leave Grey's Anatomy so abruptly. This interview on its own is nothing special - Heigl often gives interviews, as she is most definitely a talented* actress. (*talented being subjective.) She explains that she simply had to do it, and she hopes the fans aren't disappointed.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">Now, I mean, in my head I'm already explaining why she had to leave - she just adopted a little Asian girl named Naleigh (who is possibly one of the most adorable celebrity babies ever.) She wants to stay home with her new daughter all the time, now that she is famous and has several movies under her belt upon which to live off the gratuities. She explains in this interview that she is exceptionally grateful for being able to HAVE this little girl, saying that adoption isn't cheap - well, how did you make that money to adopt her, anyway? You made it by acting for your fans. Grey's Anatomy is a wildly popular show with a large fanbase, and it is arguably the one proper mainstay in Heigl's career.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">Because I think we all know that without Grey's, 27 Dresses and Knocked Up certainly wouldn't have happened.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">Every time this woman opens her mouth, bullshit falls out.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">"I'm so grateful for what I have."</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"><em>I have everything I want so I don't need you tools anymore.<br /><br /></em>"Naleigh is amazing."<br /><em>I paid a shitload of money for this little girl, money you as the fans gave me, and I just took her with me to my little sister's party where she was introducing her brand new baby (that she created biologically). Because I always need the spotlight. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.</em></span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"><em>"</em>I hope the fans aren't disappointed."</span><br /><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want, including leaving production early and requiring Izzy to be written out of any future cameos before season end. I know you'll be disappointed, but I'm hoping you'll still come see the next movie I decide to lift my finger to act in.</span></em><br /><em><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span></em><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">She complains about being married, she complains about her work hours, and she does whatever the fuck she wants. I hope the fans are disappointed. I'm not even a fan of Grey's Anatomy at ALL, but I feel for anyone who actually liked Izzy as a character. I am sorely sorry for you, for even trying to enjoy your favourite show.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">May I suggest right now that the only good role Heigl has ever had was when she was a chubby brunette med student being hacked to pieces in <strong>Valentine</strong>.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">May I just SUGGEST that when your big break into Hollywood is being sliced to pieces by a surgical scalpel in a movie starring David Boreanaz, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY ACTUALLY ACTING GRATEFUL TO YOUR FANS WHEN YOU BECOME A RUNAWAY SUCCESS.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:78%;">May I also suggest that if that bitch doesn't want to be on Grey's Anatomy, I'll take over the role of Izzy Stevens, because I COULD REALLY USE THAT KIND OF MONEY YOU DUMB TWAT.</span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-89765008981010528742010-03-30T09:55:00.001-04:002010-03-30T09:56:21.477-04:00Overheards and Overheads<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:78%;">"Did you ask her about Friday?"<br />"She's not single, dude... she has two babies in diapers."<br />"... and?"</span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-52963971430292481362010-03-30T09:23:00.001-04:002010-03-30T09:24:36.852-04:00"If there's anything I like better than making music, it's solving a groovy mystery!"<br /><br />(randomly quoted while working on PowerPoint)Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-69893084473995888402010-02-28T18:32:00.002-05:002010-02-28T18:57:42.380-05:00I'm Feeling Very Olympic Today<span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Otherwise known as, "Coverage of the 2010 Winter Games using only gossip websites, hearsay, Facebook feeds, and the honking outside"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">#1 Scotty Lago acts himself a fool - then blames it on the Azns.</span><br /><br />Double-yoo tee fuck. He won bronze, and in celebration, decided to walk about the streets of my fair Vancouver with it adorning his codpiece - then had photos taken of some lovely young thing removing it with her teeth.<br /><br />FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: if ANYONE other than your mom knows who you are, and a picture is taken of you, it will end up on the internet. That's how Facebook works - ruining your job applications with the ease of showing your future employers just how hammered you were last New Year's, through someone else's brilliant tagging. You see where I'm going?<br /><br />So, being appropriately appalled, the Olympic Committee ordered Scotty to either apologize and pack, or just leave on the spot. Away from the Olympic Village goes the tool.<br /><br />Then, in recent snippets from sources, we find that in an effort to sound smooth, Lago likened his incident to one where Michael Phelps found himself troubled by the creator of Laineygossip - also Asian. I'm not touching this with a ten foot pole. How American of you! *cough*<br /><br />Just gross, alright? Shut your damn mouth, Lago, and don't do stupid shit with Olympic medals to begin with. I could list all the wrongs done, but I'm sure they're pretty evident. Certainly don't blame your troubles on a generalization of a multitude of races of people thereafter.<br /><br />FACEPALM RATING: 5/5<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">#2 Homophobic commentators assigned to ice-dancing = FAIL</span><br /><br />Johnny Weir proves himself to be a spectacular athlete with individual flair.<br /><br />Commentators deem themselves fit to spew hatred towards lifestyle choices and say some very rude things that have nothing to do with ice dancing, really, at all. Cannot fully understand where their original ignorance/hatred lie; is it that they dislike gay men, they dislike Johnny Weir specifically, or they really just hate the sport of ice-dancing in general? Is all very hazy.<br /><br />Johnny Weir gives spectacular press conference soundbytes and is very poised and articulated.<br /><br />My question to the commentators who didn't deserve the honour of their job:<br /><br />Did you expect Brett Favre to get out there and stomp around the ice to the soundtrack of Team America: World Police? How manly did you expect this sport to be? Priorities on what you're judging, here. It's the Olympics. Everyone except the snowboarders wear Spandex - and the snowboarders were wearing snowpants made to look like distressed and baggy jeans, which actually made them look like toddlers in hip Walmart winter gear. I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT THE SEXUALITY OF OUR ATHLETES IN THESE CONDITIONS.<br /><br />FACEPALMS: 5/5<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">#3 Canadian Girl's Drinking/Hockey Team celebrates on ice, losers sore losers</span><br /><br />Pictures are leaked of Canada's women's hockey team celebrating victory on the ice after the fans had left. Stogies were had, champagne was poured directly into mouths, hockey skates were still on.<br /><br />Problem? I see none. They won. No one else was there.<br /><br />Someone gets their panties in a twist, pictures hits the internets, Canada apologizes. Profusely.<br /><br />Point? None. Holy crap, how uptight are you people?<br /><br />FACEPALMS: 2/5<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">#4 Canada Beats US in Hockey</span><br /><br />... it was always our gold. That's all I have to say about that.<br /><br />FACEPALMS: 0/5 ... y'all played a tight game though! Good game! Good game!<br /></span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-77822482688245786362009-12-21T11:33:00.002-05:002009-12-21T12:44:23.588-05:00A Few Words to Perez<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">... or inspired by my rage for him, whichever seems most applicable to our readers.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The first, and major point, is that the internet is not a breeding ground for Dante's eighth ring of hell without people like you. You are not the first source; I've easily figured out that you get everything from TMZ - who, by the by, are considerably less biased towards reporting than you are. This recent starlet's demise has served as what for you? A place to sound like you have a soul?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">You're an overzealous bastard, sir. Leave the girl and her family alone. You only pick what you want to report on from your source, and then spin it your own way for your own purposes - you're already pointing fingers at suspects, are you a police officer? I didn't think so. No one needs your opinion of what her mother must have been thinking/feeling at the time. You're not special. You're just a media outlet with a brand.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Second, and this frustrates me to no end - it's very evident who you do, and do not, like within the field that you report in. I can understand that. There is always bias to reporting, but as someone with such a following, you must try to at least curb your own stupid agendas from time to time.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">If I have to list it all out, I will - but not here. Let me just say this; I think the Twilight films are absolute garbage (metaphor for the virtues of chastity my ASS) but I'm sure Kristen Stewart's demeanor wasn't helped any by your malicious behaviour. How is anyone supposed to be happy with themselves in such a vile industry when there are hatemongers like yourself in existence? Please don't tell me I'm correct in assuming that all the name-calling and insults are directly derived from your own Twi-hard fangirl crush on Robert Pattinson, because that's truly disgusting.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">You're a 30-something Cuban man with a penchant for Manic Panic. If that tactic works for you, and Rpatz takes you out for a nice steak dinner and then calls you back later, you let me know. It sure as hell doesn't seem like it works for the people it's best suited for (females of the age to attend junior high, specifically) so I wonder about your own motives with it. But hey. If trashing the shit out of the girl that everyone is sure he's with actually gets you a date, I'll buy that and ask to try myself. Because then I'll have seen everything. Leave the lunchroom behaviour where it belongs - at least 16 years ago in your case.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">You could ask why I don't just stop reading the site.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">... but really, where else would I find such crudely defaced photos of stars you don't like?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Honestly, reading your poor excuse for a gossip blog has actually made me LIKE Miley Cyrus and Kristen Stewart... has made me like Gaga less, because you two are each other's pets... and I remain staunchly opposed to Lily Allen. You can have her.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's also made me actually loathe and DETEST Adam Lambert, whereas when he was simply competing on AI, I just thought he was terribly cheesy and not a very good singer. But you blow up the things that you feel MUST be blown up about, in such a bravado way, that I can no longer even stomach photos of the Glambert, as you call him.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I've got a place for you, Perez Hilton.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">When Snoop Dogg has finished lopping off Kanye's head in the FKO ring, you're going up against that which you seem to despise the most. You're going up against Kristen Stewart, because I somehow have a feeling she can kick your ass.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">That's all I have to say about that. As you were.</span><br /></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-6382559543145848612009-11-13T21:06:00.002-05:002009-11-13T21:08:09.218-05:00PunkMatch.com<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">"Well, sure... punks need love too. But, only punk-love."</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">"That's like, the filthiest kind."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">(... and in response to "420 Dating"...)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">"Honey, there's a dating website dedicated purely to stoners - 420 Dating."</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">"FUCK YEAH."</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">"Don't you dare go to it. I will know."</span><br /></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-3959431093500231252009-11-05T18:19:00.002-05:002009-11-05T18:34:24.680-05:00Wil Wheaton, Discuss<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> oh, that's a common defence<br /> it's either innocent or purposeful but entirely useless in either sense.<br /> if she was crazy, then she's telling you that because she thinks it has some bearing on how the rest of your life is going to play out.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> exactly<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> if she was one of those sweet naive things it may have actualy been a rare case of guilt<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> "look at how good im doing now, is there an inkling of wanting me back?" syndrome<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> wherein she thinks telling you and you not caring will make her feel better about the breakup. but yes, she sounded crazy - so that's just crazy talk for "HAR HAR I AM SHLUT I PROLLY DON'T KNOW HIS MIDDLE NAME OR NOTHING"<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> hahahaha<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> "BUT LOOKIT HOW GOOD I AM AT IT, I DON'T NEED YOU"<br /> and then your camp is all like<br /> "bitch stfu. you were cut from the cast. if you keep appearing on set, you will be arrested."<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> lmao<br /> perfection.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> well, i have always viewed my life as the v show<br /> and thereby, all other people are simply cast as characters in the world that is your life.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> "excuse me, but the producer wants to have a word." response - " :O "<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> and nobody remembers the redshirts.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> lol im actually wearing a red plaid shirt at the moment<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> well, yes, but you're no ensign tim. i'm sure you won't be eaten by space monsters or shot by some drakoriannn overlord anytime soon while on mission. if that's how you're supposed to end, sir, i am flabbergasted.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> clearly im a geordi la forge. eyesight fixed and all.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> you're skipping generations man.<br /> can't do that.<br /> continuity errors, different writers, different pop cultural eras.<br /> different propagandic agendas.<br /> different presidents, basically.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> clearly, but be that as it may... that was MY show during my impressionable years<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> stay within the presidents.<br /> technically it was my generation too<br /> but i really had no use for that kind of thing at the age i was. my sister was, and look what the fuck happened to her.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> Sargaziaan Blood Flu im guesssing<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">miss vee says:</span><br /> yes, sounds like a job for leeches<br /> which she can't handle because she was also of the stand by me generation.<br /> fuck you, wil wheaton. you fucked up my sister's life.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">mr. tim says:</span><br /> definitely<br /> lol that totally cracks me up<br /> "Fuck you, Wil Wheaton."<br /> dont be such an Ensign.<br /></span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-8462750348634838422009-09-26T14:59:00.003-04:002009-09-26T15:12:29.445-04:00Fatties and Skinnies<span style="font-size:85%;"><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://perezhilton.com/2009-09-26-barbara-walters-gives-it-to-paula-deen">taken from queen mario.</a><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I don't really have many actual, non-offensive words for this.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Except that Barbara Walters has the cajones of a cagefighter.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Don't fuck with butter or Paula Deen, lady.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I don't care how many celebrities you've made cry, or how many bionic implants you have keeping you alive and looking as much (much opposite to say, Joan Rivers.)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Butter is love and you are ruining everything.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm not even going to explain myself any further. I'm really not.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I just wanna see Walters and Deen in a butter-wrestling match now.</span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-12561289341781520792009-09-21T14:26:00.002-04:002009-09-21T14:32:09.882-04:00Corporate Responsibility<blockquote>I would notsay that social importance is just as important as economic performance, but it is an important factor. We are not something separate - just a body of people founded by some shareholders, operated in their behalf. We are part of the structure of thetown we work in andthe lives of the people we employ and of the country we live in and I think it is <span style="font-weight: bold;">ridiculous</span> to pretend otherwise.</blockquote><br />- Sir Anthony Pilkington, Chairman, the Pilkington Group (quoted in Bloom, 1994)Mr. Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02431320806356051808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-25224281407721642712009-09-16T22:23:00.002-04:002009-09-16T22:28:58.491-04:00Discuss.<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ms. V: I had this one client at the salon once, huge brick shithouse of a shaggy man with a full beard. He came in looking like a country preacher and left looking like a cop, with a high-and-tight and a clean shave. I told him while cutting his hair that I liked David Bowie, and he asked me if it was because he was a homosexual.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Mr. Tim: Alright...</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ms. V: I have some questions about this scenario. Firstly, was he a preacher or a cop?</span><br /></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-8051252063372081272009-09-05T11:52:00.002-04:002009-09-05T11:54:09.385-04:00Restaurant City vs. Aces High; or, waiting for the Bell Tech<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">"Ewww, the toilets are dirty <span style="font-style: italic;">again</span>!"</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">"Yes, the afterburners are working quite nicely!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">... gamer love.</span></span>Ms. Vhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08988123879857396892noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2228048992349327413.post-29111096382127386762009-08-23T19:28:00.003-04:002010-04-29T11:08:49.074-04:00Things I Have Learned From Other DriversBlinkers? Don't need em.<br />Merge into traffic at whatever speed you feel like.<br />Construction closures are no reason to drive slower, or more courteously.<br /><br />Let me tell you a story about a pickup truck I had the pleasure of sharing the road with this afternoon. This truck did the following while I was watching it:<br />Cut off a number of drivers while navigating the world's smallest basket-weave onramp.<br />Proceed to speed and dodge your way down the express lanes, in light Sunday afternoon traffic mid-city, and nearly missing the ramp to the highway you needed to be on, only missing the ramp's leading edge by half a meter after swerving across 2.5 lanes of traffic, narrowly missng 4 cars.<br />Cut across two lanes of traffic to the left because the lane he was in ends, only to swerve back across traffic to get to your exit 2km away. Without signaling.<br />Change lanes through an intersection at the top of a very steep hill doing 90 in a 60.<br />Drift between lanes at your own whimsy on city streets.<br /><br />People, learn to drive.Mr. Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02431320806356051808noreply@blogger.com0