From the Answering Machine

I personally believe that a really off-the-wall voicemail can brighten up anyone's day.

I also don't like leaving anything but pertinent information in my voicemails, cryptically, in case anyone is listening while I'm outside or something. Example:

"Jamie. Six-twelve pee-emm, Sunday. Call my ass back or yours is grass."

(This is my bridesmaid - I promise, this is really endearment between us.)

But what about when you've really got absolutely nothing to say and you don't want to be boring?


Well, as of this afternoon I discovered a niche of entertainment via voicemails I had previously not tapped. Granted, the message I left Mr. Collins wasn't exactly brilliant or engaging, but it did get my point across:

Mr. V played the Jaws theme on an acoustic guitar, and I screamed like in a cheesy horror film.

Now, maybe I'm just a chronic stoner, but can ANYONE tell me there aren't infinite possibilities for entertainment with this kind of behaviour?

Bearing in mind, whenever my mother calls my cell phone, and this has been true for years, I replace "hello?" (as is customary in modern times) with, "Is this Maryanne with the pot?"

(It took her a few years to get the joke, but sometimes she'll even giggle now and suggest I have a "doobie". Do you see why training people is comedy gold now? I<3UMUMMY!!!)

I figure, the more I do this via voicemail and train people to expect it, the easier it will be to seamlessly transition the modern English language into an indecipherable slew of injokes and popular culture references. I'm taking over the world, one cryptic and non-eavesdroppable call at a time.

*ring ring*
"I lost."
"Fuck you!"
"What have you done this time, Monkey Man?"
"Any plans?"
"No, you'll be here in 28 minutes."
"You're right."
"See you. Bring Coke and chocolate."

Doesn't make a lick of sense, does it? Perfect. WE get it. You can do it too, follow us.

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